Is it time to have a conversation with your inner critic?

Making peace with the past is a life-long process and recognising our inner critic is a part of it. One of the superpowers our inner critic possess is to stop us from creating.  This should definitely be a good reason to learn to live amicably with her.

Our attempts to get rid of her don’t usually work: we try to ignore her to take some distance. We dream and hope that she could vanish overnight. We fight her, losing the battle each time.

Your inner critic is a part of you that needs more self-love.

You might be perfectionist, self doubting your worth, never satisfied with what you achieve.  You might find difficult to work in a team.  Maybe you have trouble finishing projects or you naturally make simple things complicated.  You have a great idea, a beautiful dream, you are ready to harness a new project … and you stop on your way.  Whatever your personal blocks are, they are sabotaging any attempts at showing the world what you are capable of.

It might be time to invite your inner bully at the table and have a difficult conversation. Expect her to say something along these lines:

  • “You are going to screw up.  Again.”
  • “Please…don’t.”
  • “How can you be so stupid?”
  • “Just give up.”
  • “You’re not good enough.”
  • “You aren’t trying very hard, are you?”
  • “Why do you mess up..every time?”
  • “You’re a fraud”
  • “Do you really think you can do that?”
  • “Make sure you know what you are talking about this time…”
  • “Everybody can see through you.”
  • “You could do it, you just don’t want to.”
  • “Oh, stop moaning!”
  • “Nobody cares.”
  • “You really can’t do anything right.”
  • “You just don’t deserve it.”
  • “You know you are going to fail, right?”
  • “Who do you think you are?”
  • “It’s better if I don’t say anything than pass for a fool.”

TEN WAYS TO BEFRIEND YOUR INNER BULLY

1. Learn to recognise her
The only time when your inner critic has power over you is when she can trick you into making herself invisible. So close you do not even see her.
Step back.

2. Get used to “uncomfortable”
The way to spot her is to look back at what triggers recurrent feelings of inadequacy, unease, anger.  Find common situations that create these feelings and try to observe them without reacting.
Practice being in uncomfortable situations so they feel more familiar.

3. Take lessons from her
See patterns, spot triggers. Listen to her voice telling you that you are too old, too young, too big, too small, not good enough, a quitter, not logical, not smart enough, that you will never fit and … simply do not follow her guidance or warnings. Hear what she has to say, be interested.  Recognise the voice.
Remember her ways and see her coming next time.

4. Practice compassion
It took years to shape you, to perfect all the relationships between every cells of your body and synapses of your mind. Be compassionate towards your inner critic. You are in constant change, she on the contrary is like a rock, solid. She is not very flexible. Befriend her.
She can change, she just doesn’t like it.

5. See her as a child
It can be helpful sometimes to picture our inner critic as a child. It takes her power away. Like a stubborn toddler throwing a tantrum at the store. Don’t take her seriously. Stay calm and tell her you aren’t not going to do what she wants because you’ve decided otherwise.
Keep doing what you decided you would do.

Maybe self-criticism isn’t the problem.

Maybe how we react to the criticism is the problem.

 

6. Her assumptions are based on ignorance
Some reactions, behaviours are repetitive and based onto automatisms that solidified years ago. They won’t change overnight. Your inner bully is not as smart as you, she is not always aware of what’s happening for you in the outside world. She often needs more time to register all the changes you are going through.
Give her time to adjust.

7. Embrace your own insecurities
You do not have all the answers. It does not mean that she has them. In period of uncertainty, take time to be still. She might not have the best advice for you to face the new situation.
This is your life.  Experiment, make your own path.

8. Say it out loud
She makes you feel inadequate. Say it.
A simple act that is sometimes enough to shoo her away.
Tell the world.

9.  Give her a name and a new job
Choose a name that makes you smile. Prepare a different message for her to deliver next time.
Repeat it internally or write it down. 

10. Cultivate curiosity
Explore. Be open.
Take it all in.

11. You are enough
Don’t let your imperfections stop you.
Own them.